The greener grass: when it really is greener on the other side.

Not so long ago the struggles in my life felt too big to overcome. Everything felt so urgent and impossible, and I was willing to try anything for a few moments of relief. I was in an emotionally, sexually, and financially abusive marriage. I had no friends or family within 2000 miles. I knew my situation was bad and I was not in a delusion that things would improve. Life was progressively getting riskier.

During a particularly rough period when my husband would wake me every hour at night questioning and accusing about everything that I did or did not do. He would send me to a bar to meet men. One bar with one group of regulars became my safe place. It was my first secret in my marriage. They would keep an eye out on me while I would get a couple of hours of sleep in my car outside the bar. To trust strangers with my life felt like only way to survive.

We cannot usually see the moment that life is about to change drastically. Often that is good because CHANGE IS HARD. If I knew of the challenges that would come from my moment I couldn’t do it again. I met someone who was willing to play along with my husbands games. Suddenly I had someone who saw what was happening and could give me an outsiders perspective. Someone who expected that I would start treating myself better and didn’t give me an easy way out because it was hard. I found my curiosity and excitement for life.

Until this time, I tried to be the best partner that I could. I knew this was foolish. We shared no values or goals. What does it mean to be a partner when you aren’t trying to accomplish something together? At this time, I started to set boundaries. A key change was saying what you mean and holding others to their words. Then the day came as it had so many times before where he said we were getting divorced. I held him to it just as I promised I would.

When we say the grass isn’t greener we forget to mention that sometimes it actually is.  I have some residual struggles from that period. But most of the time my struggles are what I call a perfect life problem. Now these are REAL problems. Sometimes big… sometimes trivial… sometimes they are hard to define and nobody else can see why its hard. The idea of the perfect life problem is the way you are able to handle it not what the problem is. In my life this came from a brief moment of safety that with lots of determination flourished into a new period of life.