When I sat down to look deeper into toddlers and sharing I was shocked and confused by the fact this is a 4 year old milestone. It is stated the child isn’t capable of it until at least 3.5 years old. How to teach a child to share when voluntarily giving food to their caregiver isn’t sharing? This is happening in the first year of life and shows the importance of caring. If the definition of sharing is giving a toy to someone else whenever they want it… I still haven’t mastered it.
Why sharing is important
To begin with why sharing is important is because it strengthens relationships. For instance when the 9 month old tries to put the Cheerio in your mouth they are saying ‘I know, like and trust you’. This is spontaneous sharing and the type that we want to encourage. You can see this sharing happen in play as well. Completely unprompted a child will walk over to another child often without saying a word and give them a toy then walk away.
Sharing also teaches many communication skills. This is our child’s first attempts at negotiation, expressing understanding, and how to act in various social settings. I have found one of the best ways to navigate ‘sharing’ before they are developmentally ready for it (i.e. toddler years) is to have three simple rules.
1. We do not take things out of other peoples hands
2. Adults do not solve disputes about toys for children
3. If another child asks for a toy respond to themselves
And I will tell you what… they resolve the issue between themselves. Sometimes the 2 year old will say ‘Yeah sure’ and hand the toy over sometimes they will say ‘no’. But interestingly when they are finished with the toy they bring it to the child that asked. This is far from perfect but steps in the process of spontaneous sharing.
Learn to share
The first step to learn to share is for parents to release the worry about what other parents think. What a joke right! If we can look at sharing as a social interaction between two children that does not need adult involvement then the pressure of performance is released.
Next provide lots of opportunities to share. Some everyday examples would be to color a picture next to them and ask to borrow a crayon. When you are cooking offer to let them have a turn stirring. Ask if you can play with a toy next to them.
Model the behavior. When a stranger asks to borrower your truck just say yes and give them the keys. Then when your child has a stranger ask to borrower their truck they will hand it over and you don’t need to be embarrassed. How to teach a child to share when sharing looks different as an adult.
Toddler not sharing
Ask your child if you can have a bite of their dinner. I’m going to guess most likely they said yes and gave you their food. This is real genuine sharing. When you find your toddler not sharing ask yourself a few questions
1. Is my child actively using the item?
2. Does my child have a relationship with this child?
3. Am I worried about myself or the child right now?
4. Do I trust my child to resolve the situation?
5. Why sharing is important right now?
If in general your child lacks social skills and does not notice social queues pushing sharing in the toddler years will not solve these issues. Instead role play with them how to tell the other child not right now appropriately. Remember the importance of sharing comes in communication, relationships, and learning to understand social queues. There are a variety of ways we can work on these and it doesn’t have to be sharing everything. You and I both wouldn’t do that.