Have you ever noticed just how much preparation it takes to get the kids out the door? By the time you have all the bags packed, kids dressed, fed the kids, and found everyone’s shoes you are exhausted and frustrated. You may just be helping too much.

Our children need to learn the executive skills it takes to be prepared. When we prepare everything for them and manage their time they stay dependent. It is not an easy transition when your child gets to middle school and they haven’t learned to prepare themselves.

Skill Snapshot

Why This Matters

Starting the independent journey early can avoid us helping too much as they grow. Simple tasks like clearing your dish after dinner can be an easy transition to helping the family. Often you will find your child offering to clear your dish which changes how they view themselves in the family and with friends.

Step by Step Teaching guide

Teaching a new skill through this method will typically be done with a You do, We do, I do ladder method. Depending on the age and experience of your child some days you will spend much of your time in the ‘You do’ stage. This is what your child has been doing since birth while they are watching your daily routine. The change is that you are a bit more specific about them watching and engaging with you.

Other portions of teaching the skill will include forward-chain and back-chain in order to successfully learn tasks. In back chaining you would complete almost the full process to start and then have your child complete the final step. In shoe tying they would just pull the laces tight at the end the first time. As they become proficient at the last step you can add in the prior step. The child has a positive feeling about the experience because they are able to complete it and are not overwhelmed with tackling the whole task at once.

Forward chaining is similar but starts with only completing the first step in the process. I find this most helpful when the child is already familiar with all of the steps but this is a new scenario. For instance they already know how to fold a wash cloth and now learning to fold a hand towel.

Common Mistakes

There are a few things we do or feel as parents that keep our kids feeling too dependent on us. Often in the moment it is quicker, easier, and less messy to do it ourselves. At the age of one this is absolutely true. But it is also true at the age of 6 if its your child’s first attempt.

Also, there is a lot of underestimating what a child is capable of. Along the same lines we compare what our child does to other children and sometimes feel they are behind. The truth is each child in on their own journey and that makes it hard to know what to allow them to handle.

10 minute Challenge

Clearing your dish after a meal. This important skill provides opportunities to help the family and be responsible for yourself. What success looks like with this goal for a first grade is clearing their dish after every meal without a reminder. Being able to successfully clear any remaining food on the plate and prepare the dish for washing. An added bonus you will find is the occasional offer to clear other dishes for the family.

Take 10 minutes today to show your child. How to carry their plate to the counter. Also, discuss how to solve any challenges that they face along the way. Your child might not be tall enough to reach the counter but we can still find a way to accomplish the task.

Show your child the future steps that will be completed. Like fully clearing the dish of food and preparing it for washing. Your child may start to attempt to clear food independently when they know to do it. It could be some time before its done well depending on their age.

Parent time saved

Depending on how your household functions the task of collecting dishes from around the house can take up a lot of time. In this case we will assume the dishes are being cleared from the table at regular meal and snack times. If it saves you 1 minute per meal/snack that’s 5 minutes a day. 35 minutes a week and 30 hours a year. I know we wont be having every meal at home especially with school/daycare but the time saved is no joke.

Independence Ladder

Clear dish after meal >

Clear food off plate >

Prepare dishes for washing >

Help clear family dishes >

Put dishes in dish washer